I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
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