i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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