your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
