The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
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