Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize