Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
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