i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize