I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
