Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
