Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Randomize
