she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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