i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Randomize
