After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Randomize
