Do you still have your period?
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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