My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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