I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
