Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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