Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
