I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Randomize
