K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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