So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
whose parrot is this?
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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