I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
