Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Randomize
