Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Randomize
