I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
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