The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
I woke up under a house in Key West
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
