i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
