I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
