Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
We were destined to go to rehab together
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize