oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Randomize
