i think i have two assholes
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Randomize
