It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Randomize
