In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
