Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
