I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Randomize
