Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
what the fuck happened to the tacos
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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