I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I checked into jail on foursquare
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Randomize
