Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Randomize
