so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
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