That's your vagina. No one goes out and burns it
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
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