I wish my penis had an off switch
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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