It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize
