I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
We left the knife in your bed.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
