Pregnant stripper...not hot.
There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
