The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Randomize
