Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Randomize
