my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Randomize
