I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Randomize
