thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
Randomize