woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Randomize
