so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
