at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
