Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize
