did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
