Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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