I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
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