Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
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