I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
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