If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
