He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
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