So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
