When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I've blown a few things in my day
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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