drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
