I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
honey bunches of taint.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
