Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
