He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
You are a genius and a whore.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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