I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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