I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
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