im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
