I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
