FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize
